In spite of all of the joy and happiness of getting married, there have been parts of this process that have been surprisingly bittersweet. For example, I will be leaving my roommate of four years. Four years is a long time, and while I’m excited about starting my new life with Otis, I’m also going to miss Kasandra more than I think I realize. She’s been there for me during some of my roughest times, watched my dog, made me laugh when I needed it, and taken care of me when I was sick. I feel a little like Monica did on Friends when Rachel was moving out so she and Chandler could live together. “And now you have to leave, and I have to live with a boy!” Even though I know we will still be great friends, maybe even better friends, it’s hard to make the change.

There has also been a part of me that has struggled to enjoy my happiness because I want everyone else to be as happy as me. I want to fix it for everyone so they can know the same joy, and it makes me sad that I can’t. I have to let that go and let God do what he wants to do in his time. But I just want everyone to be happy. Mostly that’s what I keep thinking. I just want everyone to be as happy as me.

Maybe I’m just having a hard time accepting that I get to be this happy. I’m always thinking I don’t deserve happiness, and if I am happy it’s not right. I don’t feel like I deserve any of this. I haven’t done anything great or wonderful. In fact, I’ve lived a pretty selfish, petty life. But I’m thankful for all of it and hope that I can learn how to receive the blessings and enjoy them instead of finding reasons I shouldn’t have them.