I know I haven't written in a while, and I'm just a little bit afraid that I will lose my prestigious spot on Mrs. Juicebox's blogroll if I don't get to writing soon. Unfortunately life has been progressing at breakneck speed, with little time to stop and gather my thoughts into coherent, writeable sentences. Now that I have a second to write, I'm sorry I don't have something more cheerful to write about.

My dad is sick. I just found out this morning that he has 1 herniated disk and 2 bulging disks in his neck. Apparently it's been causing him quite a bit of pain for a while, but I'm just now finding out about it. They are trying to do everything they can to keep from operating, but that remains to be seen. I also found out that he has elevated PSA levels, which the doctors think could just be a prostate infection. However, if the antibiotics don't change these levels, then they will have to start looking into other, more serious, causes. This scares me. I've never had to face my father's humanity before, and now all of a sudden it's right in front of my face.

As my mother was telling me everything that's going on with my dad, I struggled to choke back the tears that threatened to spill down my face. My mind was racing ahead to what could happen, what all of this could potentially mean to our family, and it was almost more than I could bear. My parents are going to die someday. This thought makes me feel so small. I still need my parents, and I can't imagine living in a world in which they do not exist. It surprises me that I feel that way, as I'm a pretty independent person and I typically don't feel an overwhelming need to interact with my parents on a very regular basis. But they are my parents. They've been there my entire life, and no matter how bad things may have been between us over the years, they've always been there for me when I really needed them. The thought of them not being here someday is overwhelming. Clearly I'm not ready for my parents to go yet, and I'm hoping we still have many more years together. Maybe this is a good wake-up call for me, because I suddenly feel an urgency in fostering my relationship with them. You never know how much time there will be to do that.

In the mean time I'm just going to have to trust God with all of this, which is a lot easier than it sounds. I just wish I could comfort my father. I know he's in pain and I know he's scared. I want to take it all away from him and make it better. Unfortunately I don't have that power, and I've got to trust the one who does. I've always struggled with my faith in this area. How do I know God will make him better? What if he doesn't? Do my prayers really make any difference if God is just going to do whatever he wants regardless of what I ask? For me it's always boiled down to trusting that the outcome was God's will, rather than trusting that God will grant what I ask, and trying to find a small amount of peace in that knowledge. However, this is much more personal, and I really want to believe that God will make everything ok. Mostly because I'm scared I won't be able to handle it if everything isn't.