Today I will be ending something that I have been leading for 2+ years. The time was due. Actually, it was past due. I tried so hard to make it work for so long, but I really think it just wasn't meant to be. Yet, as hard as I try to convince myself that this is the natural progression of things, it still feels like somewhat of a personal failure. I feel like I should have been able to make it work.

Sadly, this is not the first time I've thought those words, nor is it the first time I've ever hung on to a relationship for too long. I think I'm starting to realize this is an unhealthy pattern in my life, me hanging on for too long. I've done it in jobs, and I've definitely done it in relationships. In fact, probably the biggest heartbreak I've ever had was because I thought that surely all that I felt for him should be able to keep it together. I was so wrong. You'd think I would have learned my lesson then, but no. I've continued to live out a pattern of stubbornness (what else can you call it?) to this day.

I remember my mom telling me one time, after getting back with an ex to 'give it one last shot', that I had staying power. I don't necessarily think that's always a good thing. I mean, now that I'm married and all, it will definitely pay off. But mostly I think it just means that I stay in bad (or just not ideal) situations for way too long, delaying the inevitable. Perhaps this is rooted in cowardice. It takes me time to work up the courage to say goodbye, and time to accept the knowledge that I will be ok stepping out into that great unknown. Even as I write this I am hesitating to walk away from something that I'm pretty positive is past its expiration date. But now that I've seen this pattern in my life, I'm making a resolution to not let it continue. It's time to move on, and I will do it. Even if it scares the shit out of me.